so I'm jus going to lay it down on you, this past week has been hard. Not only have i been an emotional wreck, i haven't been able to enjoy myself that much. Even though I've tried i cant get myself to that stage of "happiness". In order for this all to make sense to you, ill star you off were i last left off, Wednesday. My Wednesday started off normally, i woke up at six and made breakfast. Then i sat and read my book till 11. At 11 my parents took me to the tom baker hospital for treatments, it was ok to begin with, they put my mask on and cleared the room. But once the radiation started i began getting a inside smell. I guess you could say it is a sensitivity to the beams. It smelt horrible. if you close your eyes and try and imagine 10 mouldy decrepit dead pigs, that have sat in the moist heat of California for a week, you have got my smell. At first i tried to ignore it but as we neared the last bit were they have to come in and move the table to get an angle, i was gaging. just thinking of it made me sick. I told the nurses about it and they said it was normal and, that we could use air freshener to get rid of the smell. It did not work. on Thursday i would not go back (my dad had to carry me out of the car) i dreaded that smell all week. But thank god for warm vanilla sugar! once they had me calmed down aka drugged so they get it over with, they laid me down put my mask on and sprayed warm vanilla sugar sented perfume EVERYWHERE then they left it in my hand for me to spray as i needed it. Despite our efforts by the end i was still gaging.
The next morning was hard. i laid in bed for at least an hour and a half crying, dreading that i would have to go back. As much as i hate that place and what happens there and, even though i just wanted to run away and never come back. i couldn't. I couldn't because i have to try and fight. not for my sake but, for my parents sake. Trust me as bad as being a kid with cancer sounds, being a parent who's kid has cancer is 10 times worse. It breaks my heart knowing that they have to watch me go through this.
Ive now have been through 11 days of treatment. Some days are easier then others ill have to say. Ive resorted to holding my breath each time the buzzes go witch helps very little. As i can still smell it and get the sick feeling every time. Some days ill go in and cry for 20 minutes while other days ill go in, get it done and, come back out. Today i looked at my mom and said,
"i don't think i can take this for another 24 days"
All she did was start to get tears in her eyes. That reminded me that even when i feel like i have no strength, no courage i still have to try. I have to try for my mom, my dad, my brother, my Oma, my family, my pets, my friends and, most of all for me. I have to be brave and, I'm lucky to have all of you to help me.
Thank you all so much. i never realized that people actually cared what i though till now. I hope you all have had a great week.
Stay happy and live long:)